Today’s the Day

Today’s the day, the day I try to return to church.  I haven’t attended a church service in two months but I’m desperate to attend the Christmas services.  So here I am on December 23 trying to pull myself together to face what I’ve been fearing for eight weeks.

Granted, somethings are better now than they were two months ago.  I’m on medication to help my brain function at a normal level.  The pastor is aware of how painful this move has been for me.  I’m seeing a counselor who is working with me to accept my anxiety (I’m still incredulous about this) and how to keep my anxiety from controlling me.  This past week I’ve managed to talk to three church members, which is the most social interaction I’ve had in the last two months.

Of course, some things are still extremely difficult.  I left a coffee date with a kind church member feeling mild disappointment because I realized that I don’t want to make friends, I want to have a friend and skip all the awkward getting-to-know-each-other things.  In order to bring myself eat pizza with another couple in the church I had to take the anti-anxiety medication that knocked me out afterwards (the doctor wasn’t kidding when she said it would cause drowsiness!).  Already the thought of walking to church this morning is already causing the signs of anxiety:  shaking hands, dry mouth, and that sick feeling in my stomach.

But here I am, dressed for church, feeling like I’m going on some sort of suicide run, and trying to accept that this is the best I can do right now.  

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