Due Date

My due date is today. Not for Sweet Pea, but for Theodore.

There’s a mix of emotions of becoming pregnant soon after a loss. We’re excited for Sweet Pea and talk about her often. We don’t talk about Theodore because there isn’t much to be said. We hardly knew him–no baby kicks, no ultrasound photos, not even a hint of morning sickness. I know it’s easy for some people to assume that we have forgotten little Theodore, but I haven’t.

Tucked in our closet, there is a shoe box.


There isn’t much in there–some sympathy cards, some articles and sermons about miscarriage, a photo of the pregnancy test, and a few little gifts given in Theodore’s memory. These are the things I have to show that he existed and that he was loved. Earlier this month my husband and I agreed to give a little bit of money to the local crisis pregnancy center in Theodore’s memory.

Even with his sister’s impending arrival, we haven’t forgotten Theodore. And, because life is often complicated and there are things we cannot begin to understand on this side of Heaven, I can celebrate the life of Sweet Pea that I currently carry while mourning the death of her brother.

“The Lord gave, the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord,” (Job 2:21). Amen.


Where I’ve Been. . .Again

You may have noticed that things have been fairly quite here the last couple of months. Partly this is because it’s hard to write when the biggest thing on my mind isn’t public information yet, partly because I was busy throwing up and sleeping.

Yup, I’m pregnant again!


This first trimester has been much like my first trimester with Babykins, although I’ve been sicker this time around.

I’m now at 15 weeks gestation, so I’m hopeful that the morning sickness will soon be a memory. And we’re very much looking forward to meeting our little Sweet Pea around November 30!

Sweet pea

The Question

On Wednesday, Babykins and I made our weekly trip to the local coffee shop. We usually go during its quieter hours, so the employees know our names and enjoy watching Babykins toddle around the shop.

Babykins started getting restless before I finished my mug of coffee. I encouraged her to look at the flowers in the cooler (because the local coffee shop is also the local florist shop, obviously). As I pointed out the daffodils and tulips to Babykins, one of the employees suddenly asked, “Are you going to have more children?”

She meant no harm by her question. Some news doesn’t spread, even in a small town. How was she to know about the baby that I only knew existed for a few days before he was gone? And I’ve been asked many forms this question both before and after Babykins was born.


However, my typical answer of, “We hope to have more children someday” failed me on Wednesday. It was the phrasing of the employee’s question–my mind processed it as a “Yes” or “No” question.

Am I going to have more children? I don’t know. Statistically, I’m not any more likely to have another miscarriage than I was before last month. But statistics are just probabilities, not certainties. I can’t say that I will definitely have another child now that I have experienced first hand the fragility of life. What I want isn’t always what I get.

Am I going to have more children? Only God knows the answer to this, I’m done trying to predict the answer.


Dear Babykins: Our Anniversary

Dear Babykins,

Today is a special anniversary.  Admittedly, it’s an anniversary that will probably fade as life continues.  But this year I have the presence of mind to mark it.

Do you know what today is?

A year ago I consciously became your mother.  I held the pregnancy test with shaking hands, shocked by the small positive sign on the plastic stick.

While it took many more months for you to appear to the outside world (heck, it took many more months for me to even show I was pregnant), from that moment your father and I were no longer a couple.  You made us a family.

And we thank God for you.



Where I’ve Been, Part II

Baby Girl arrived September 25, 2014, weighing 6 lbs. 1 oz. and measuring 18.5 inches.  She will be baptized this Sunday.  I probably should add more, but I’m rather sleep deprived and have problems stringing together words at this point.

Baby Girl

Pregnancy Brain, Part II

There’s no denying it now–pregnancy brain has hit.  I forget details easily, like how much money I withdrew from the bank last week (Surprise, I did have an extra $20 after all!  It just took me 4 days to find it).  Sometimes I’ll listen to a conversation like I’m in a cozy fog.  And apparently I ask my husband to do things and then forget.

forgetting everything

The good news is that the sponge looked almost new.

And don’t even get me started about my focus.  There’s a reason why I haven’t written an “Introvert Monday” post the last few weeks.

Sometimes I get frustrated with my mental capabilities.  It’s hard enough talking to people around town without feeling like a space cadet and I never know what thought is going to slip down my mental drain.

On the bright side, it’s really exciting getting packages from Amazon because I can’t remember what I ordered.  It’s like giving myself a present!


Finding Baby a Doctor

We’re 6 weeks out from my due date.  Because due dates are more like guidelines, that means we can reasonably expect Baby to arrive a month from now.  Of course, we can also just as reasonably expect Baby to show up two months from now because pregnancy is a fun like that.  Whee!

At any rate, my husband and I are getting to the point where our baby to-do list is rapidly increasing.  Despite the reassurances that all a baby really needs is your love and blah, blah, blah, there are some things that should probably be included in the baby’s life.  Healthcare is one of those things, so I’ve been trying to figure out how to find a doctor for Baby.

Like most things relating to infants, researching doctors is a frustrating combination of endless options and fear-mongering.  Do we go with a pediatrician or family doctor?  M.D. or D.O.?  What about a nurse-practitioner?  How should distance factor into our decision?

Then there’s pressure to find a doctor that fits with your parenting philosophy, adding a new slew of questions to figure out.  How does the doctor feel about breastfeeding?  About sleep training?  Vaccinations?  And this is all the more confusing because I haven’t figured out how we feel about these things.

So I started lamenting about my confusion to my husband over lunch one day.  He came up with a solution:



While his method may be unorthodox, it does simplify the search process. . .

Kitchen Adventures

Now that I have more free time than I often know what to do with and I’m not exhausted from chasing a toddler around half the week, I’ve been able to return to one of my preferred pastimes:  Trashing the Kitchen Cooking.

So what have I been cooking up the last few weeks?  A variety of things.  Some may call this “nesting”, but it’s hard to argue that some of the foods I’ve been working will really be useful after the baby comes.

I’ve been figuring out how to save and freeze fruits and veggies.  I wouldn’t recommend the technique I used for strawberries (they defrost with a very mushy texture), but the blueberries generally turn out well.

Our congregation members have already proven to be generous with their gardens’ bounties, so I’ve been freezing corn like crazy.  Likewise, we received a pile of cucumbers one day, so I made freezer pickles.  My husband and I opened the first container yesterday.  They don’t have quite the same crunch as pickles, but they have a pickley taste.  I can’t vouch for whether or not they taste good since I’m not a huge fan of pickles.  Also, onions were on sale at Aldi this past week, so now I have 3 pounds of onions to freeze.  I think the onions really throw out the whole nesting theory.


Additionally, I’ve started baking bread again after taking an entire year off.  Since the Kitchen-aid mixer recipe I use makes two loaves, one goes in the freezer while the other goes in our tummies.  And this morning I finally started making freezer meals for when Baby comes.  Well, I made a freezer meal.  Now we’ll be set for one whole day after we get home from the hospital!

If this sounds like a lot of cooking , don’t be too amazed–I have a lot of free time.  That, and I have a tendency to ignore things like the fact that the toilet downstairs really needs to be cleaned. . .

Have you tried anything new in your kitchen recently?


The First Awkward Drop-by

Almost every pastor’s wife has a story about when a member dropped by unexpectedly at a really bad time.  We’ve only been here a month and I’ve already created my first awkward drop-by situation.

During the week, I’ve been trying really hard to make myself presentable by 9:00.  This is to give me some semblance of routine and save me the embarrassment of getting caught in my jammies at 3 in the afternoon.  Saturday mornings are a different story.  It doesn’t matter that I don’t have a job so Saturday isn’t really a day off, it doesn’t matter that my husband goes into work on Saturday morning.  I still haven’t lost the schedule that was ingrained in me since grade-school.  Saturday means relax day.  That means I don’t get dressed.

This past Saturday was no different.  It was 9:30, my husband had already left for work and I was merrily surfing the internet while still in my PJs.

To be clear, I was 30 weeks pregnant, so pajamas at this point means a pair of sweatpants that stretch over my ever-expanding belly and one of my husband’s t-shirts.  To be extra clear, my husband is over a foot taller than me, so his t-shirts are still enormous on me despite my pregnancy.  It’s not flattering, but it’s comfy.

prego pjs

The doorbell rang.  I glanced down at myself.  Not presentable at all–I wasn’t even wearing proper undergarments.  However, my husband had left the regular door open when he left for work, so pretending that no one was home wasn’t an option.  Next tactic: Put on a sweatshirt to better cover myself up.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have a sweatshirt in the living room, but my husband did.  I put it on.  It looked more ridiculous than the t-shirt.  Add on my unkempt hair and glasses and I was a tousled mess.

Truth be told, I was hoping that the doorbell signaled the arrival of a package despite the fact it was Saturday.  At least then the delivery person would have dropped off the package and wouldn’t see me.  My hopes were crushed when I approached the door and realized that I congregation member was standing at the door.  Feeling like a sloppy fool, I answered the door in my pregnant, pajama-clad glory.

It turns out that the congregation member was dropping off some sweet corn for us, which was nice.  He also didn’t linger, which was also nice because  I was feeling quite flustered by that point.  I imagine it was awkward for him as well to have me answer the door while still in my PJs.

At any rate, the truth is now in the open:  Sometimes the pastor’s wife lounges around in her pajamas.  But it’s better to lower expectations sooner rather than later, right?

What is your awkward drop-by story?  


Pregnancy Brain

One of the supposed side effects of pregnancy and is forgetfulness (a.k.a.–pregnancy brain).  I say “supposed” because while almost every mother I talk to will say that pregnancy brain is a real and powerful thing, many books and websites explain that there isn’t a whole lot of evidence that proves that pregnancy brain actually exists.

Consequently, I’ve been hesitant to blame memory hiccups on my pregnancy.  Okay, so I’ve forgotten my debit pin number a few times, confused my phone number a couple of times, and even gave my husband the wrong Social Security Number when he was filling out insurance forms. . .twice.  But I’ve done all those things pre-pregnancy as well.  Not to mention it was hard to tell if the memory lapses were pregnancy related or simply common distraction that occurs during stressful times.

However, this past week my memory has taken a turn for the worse.  On Tuesday morning, not only did I show up to my midwife appointment at the wrong time (thankfully I was early and not late), I also forgot to bring the grocery money for shopping afterwards.  While each incident by itself wouldn’t be surprising, having both in one morning is very unlike me.  I started to think maybe the dreaded pregnancy brain was indeed striking.  I made a mental note to tell my husband, mostly because I had also told him before that pregnancy brain may not be a real thing.

Then on Friday, my husband and  I were driving to the small town next to us and something small ticked me off.  The following conversation ensued:


pregnancy brain


Yup, pregnancy brain just might be real after all.

*Update 7/26/2014–I don’t know if you ever noticed, but most of my drawings have my blog title printed on them.  Today I realized that I put the wrong title on these drawings.  😦  Another point in pregnancy brain’s favor?